Three Ways to Celebrate the Fourth
Dear Fellow Americans,
Happy (nearly) Independence Day! Your correspondent is not exactly a patriot of patriots today, seeing as he’s trapped in a very American airport bar in Chicago by a very American mega-thunderstorm-apocalypse rolling up with appalling vengeance off the barren, worthless plains of the barren, worthless Midwest, reduced to downing very American lagers as he stares disconsolately at the undulating horror show of radar images billowing over the FLIGHT DELAYED UNTIL THE LAST JUDGMENT cursor gleaming redly on his departure screen.
Until the Midwest decides to get it together weather-wise, your correspondent has nothing to do but pen soulful, searing exposes for the illustrious MUI PR Blog. Since he’s deep in the “ra-ra ‘Merica!” mood at the moment, why not draw up a list of three terrific ways to celebrate the Fourth of July, this most quintessentially American of American holidays?
1. Start a Revolution. Let’s be honest. Revolution-launching is the perfect synthesis of the American ideal, is it not? When we Americans run up against a political, social, religious, or sports-related barrier, do we draw up a few pints and hold peaceful, soft-spoken discussions parsing the ebbs and flows of democracy and noting how lasting solutions call for compromise? ABSOLUTELY NOT. We immediately and irrevocably demand a total overthrow of all existing power structures and a collective societal mulligan on the issue, stirred by glorious visions of rebirth, reincarnation, and somewhat inexplicable mental images of us galloping through amber waves of grain on thoroughbred stallions, waving rifles and bellowing noble slogans of patriotism and promise.
Perhaps you feel yourself disenchanted or disillusioned with the faltering course of American empire? Take heart! Grab those salad tongs, hop in your child-proof minivan, and remove yourself to the nearest relic of despicable government power to overthrow it in glorious violence.
2. Run For Office. Say a violent overthrow of the government is just not your thing. You prefer a subtler route to power, involving voting and debating and campaigning and tweeting inappropriate photos of yourself while masking your true identity with monikers like “Carlos Danger” because YOLO, right?
What better day to kick off a campaign than on this most auspicious slice of purebred Americana? Gather your friends, family, mortal enemies, and underage interns to help you launch your bid for Washington.
Ensure all photo ops involve an American flag, a football and some form of assault rifle. Grill steaks while you’re giving stump speeches. Drive the last block to your campaign events on a rented Harley to show that, deep down, you’re just an ordinary sociopathic member of a lawless biker gang.
End all sentences with “…and that’s why America is the greatest country on earth.”
Examples: “I sobbed my eyeballs out at the ‘Fault In Our Stars.’ Teens and cancer – I can’t even deal. And that’s why America is the greatest country on earth.”
“Someone changed the Wikipedia entry for Secretary of Defense to Tim Howard. And that’s why America is the greatest country on earth.”
“Yes, honey, I forgot to pick up milk for the kids. And that’s why America is the greatest country on earth.”
3. Invade Britain. History is made of cyclical trends, karma writ large across the eons, and consequences permeating the fates of nations. It’s about time we showed our old Atlantic frienemy the cold steel of empire.
If you’re interested in joining the invasion force, your correspondent is gathering a floatilla of rowboats, motorboats, catamarans, kayaks, jetskis, and the like for a cross-ocean jaunt to invade the land of tea and Downton Abbey. Rumor has it that Tiger Woods has joined the cause in his massive sea-going homestead. His golf shots are about all we’ve got in the way of artillery support.
Nervous about this whole invasion schtick? Relax. Mexico does this to us all the time.
In all seriousness, show America some love this Fourth of July. A tough slog of an economic recovery and partisan gridlock in Washington has made us all cynics, to one degree or another. It’s important to remember all we do have in this country of ours. Celebrate the good, eschew the bad, and acknowledge we’re imperfect human beings trying to create a just, verdant society in a complex world. That alone is reason enough to celebrate.
How will you be celebrating the anniversary of the birth of our great nation? What will your campaign platform be? Are you good with a jetski, or do you need to reserve a larger vessel for the British invasion? Let me know here, or find me on Twitter @aa_murph